Time Flies.

... When you have a baby.

It has actually seemed that way for quite a while, even before I got pregnant. I feel as though I have been dreaming for years now.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions and not really living them, like I'm just a passive observer of sorts. I wake up, do baby stuff, watch tv and rot my brain, do more baby stuff, do some housework, feed Keeli here and there, and go to bed. Rinse and repeat. I love my life, I really do, but I am not constantly and consistently fulfilled as I thought I would. I miss my friends, and the coming and going as I please thing. I miss being the social butterfly I once was.

It's not that I don't have friends, I do, but I definitely don't have the same ones I used to. I have totally different interests now, for the most part, and the friends I have, I have because I'm a mom and that's what we have in common. I'm in this weird transition period, once again trying to find myself. I'm twenty years-old, and I'm still in the same position I was when I was sixteen. Ha. At some point, I expected things to just mesh and gel together, as though I'd eventually reach a plateau and everything would just be perfect and that would be the end of it. Luckily, (I think "luckily") that hasn't happened yet. I do enjoy the little things: my daughter's smile, knowing that she needs me, knowing that she is going to love me even when she's fifteen and I'm the last person she wants to be around (if she's anything like I was). I just feel like I need something more...

It's another reason I'm glad that I'm returning to school sooner than expected; I will finally be working towards something productive. It isn't to say that I'm wasting time staying at home necessarily, but I need to get my career on the move once again. I can't wait to be DONE with school and set my current house floor plans into motion. I want to get out from under my parents', because I've got that whole "independence" thing going on.

I'm not in a slump... I'm just ready to get going, I suppose. I can't believe Keeli is already almost three months-old; I can remember thinking I was going to be pregnant forever!

Every year has gone by much more quickly than the last. It's something I was talking about to my long-time guy friend, Nick. He doesn't even have children, but he brought up the fact that time is just getting away from him somehow. It's so true. I'm going to be twenty-one years old and there are times when I still feel like I'm so young... Not maturity-wise, but it's just one of those things.

This is a boring post, I know, but it's six in the morning and no one is awake. It's my blog, after all...

Ya know what? EFF this.

It's a good "eff this", this time. I swear.
Okay, check this out:

So I've been fretting about school and "What am I gonna do?" and all "Woe is me" and rada rada. You may not even interpret this the same way I do, but this is my perception of the following information...

"Ashley, either you go back to school in January or you will have no health insurance."

"But, I don't want to put Keeli in day care. That's why I wasn't going to go back until next Fall."

"You can take night classes; we'll watch her in the evenings."

BAM. There it is.

I have secretly, or not-so-secretly, been dying to go back to school already, because that horrible sense of urgency and running out of time has emerged yet again. I just kind of feel like a loser sitting here at home every day, not necessarily wasting time, but I find most often that I'm bored. I'm always preaching to people, "Whatever you do, don't be bored; this is absolutely the most exciting time we could have possibly hoped to be alive. And things are just starting."
I just recently returned from Polk and, during my visit, learned that a girl two years younger than I is basically on her way to greatness. I feel like I should already be a practicing MD somewhere by now (although I know that's entirely unrealistic even for women my age who don't have children).

Don't get me wrong- I enjoy my time here with Keeli and I dread the day I have to go to school and leave her here with my mom. I really do. I really don't even want to think about it. But, this will be worth it. This is for the both of us. I will not waste my talents or miss an opportunity to make a great life for us.
I have something to really look forward to now, and it's a productive "something". It's "I'm working towards a secure future for my daughter and myself, and to teach her that nothing is impossible". So, Keeli, if you ever get knocked-up out of wedlock, your life is SO NOT OVER. Haha. That was really informal. This whole thing is.

Oh yeah...

We went to Hobby Lobby today and I stocked up on acrylic paints and canvas. And I'm tired of being sad, so eff it. 'Nuff said.

This hole you put me in
Wasn't deep enough
And I'm climbing out right now

mf.

No, you can't "just build a time machine", but here's what you can do...

Thank the Creator for the things you have and the people in your life. Take the time to marvel at something simple, the way my daughter does.

"Yeah, Kee, you're right; that ceiling fan is pretty awesome."

Onward and upward, inward and forward.

I will utilize this energy which I have borrowed.

aho dah-kee. <3

PPD

Let me just say a few things regarding my experience so far with postpartum depression...

-Surround yourself with people you love and people who will take you and your baby out of the house. I think the hardest part is the fact that I have the worst nomadic tendencies that I can no longer indulge in (I can, but I shouldn't). I'm sure I could think of stuff for Keeli and me to do together, but it takes so long for us to get out the door. She loves being out and about, though. The point is this: Being in this house day in and day out has become rather mundane, and if I don't get out and find some stimulation sooner or later, I might burn it down.

-Tell your doctor. I haven't gotten to that part yet. I'd like to think God, nature, whatever will balance me out in the long run. I don't have the crazy ppd where I want to commit suicide or harm my baby; I just feel "down" a lot of the time. I just don't feel happy, and I'm afraid if I were to tell my doctor such, he would want to prescribe me some sort of medication or put me in therapy and I'm not into that.

-Snuggle with your baby; keep him/her close. Keeli is either in my arms or by my side constantly and it really helps. Sure, she is asleep a lot of the time for now, but she wakes up in the best of moods.


Initially, my sadness began surrounding her birth, and how certain people weren't there that I thought should have been there. Then, I was so sore from her delivery (my entire body ached from exhaustion) that my mom actually took care of her more than I did for the first couple of days. That was really hard to see. Add our problems with being new to breastfeeding, and you've got a young woman on your hands who is hormonal, exhausted, and feels as though she can't do anything right or have anything done the way she wants it.

My sadness grew a little more every day after she turned a month old. There are things going on in my personal life that I'm having a hard time dealing with, none to do with Keeli at all, but I just don't think I'm emotionally ready to handle them (though I'm forced to). Plus, I am constantly worrying about school, what I'm going to do, how I'm going to work and still be able to study and take care of her at the same time... It can be done, I know, (I can do anything after laboring for days without drugs) but how I'm going to do it is what plagues my mind most often.

There's this other thing that is a red flag that something isn't right with me... I weighed myself last week and then again on Sunday. In that time span (~six days) I had lost twenty-one pounds. I can't really remember ever being hungry. After weighing myself, I looked at the clock and noticed we were well into the afternoon and I hadn't eaten.

"I used to have this appetite... for food, for my life. And it is just gone."

I just feel like I want to pack both our bags and leave. The thing that bugs me the most is that I so could, and no one could say anything about it.

Here we are, though, and this is where we'll be tomorrow and the next day and the next day...

Samuel

He is doing so well. I am seriously so proud of him... as a student, as a Marine, as a father, and as a partner.

He towel-dried my hair for me while I nursed Keeli. I had to have him stop, though, because he was having a little too much fun and I just knew I'd never be able to get a brush through it.

We are listening to Boards of Canada, joking around and flirting and cuddling...

Oh, man... :)

Two steps forward and fifty steps back.

This video melts my heart. :)

Daddy's first diaper change and first time feeding a baby ever. And this is her first bottle ever as well. She was exclusively breastfed (though that's breast milk in the bottle) until I pumped a little earlier that morning due to being uncomfortably engorged. They did so well and I love seeing them together. <3

Life as a New Mommy

So, I don't have a whole lot of time right now (for obvious reasons). All I really have to say is that I am absolutely in LOVE with my life and this little girl we made. Words cannot describe how amazing she is.

She is growing so quickly! She was only 10 days new in this picture and I swear it seems like just yesterday that these were taken. She turned 6 weeks-old on Monday and she weighs ~12 pounds (next check up is in two weeks).

Her birth was beautiful... extremely long, extremely exhausting, but totally, indescribably awesome. I woke up on the Saturday before she was born around 3 a.m. having contractions that were long enough and intense enough in duration to keep me awake. So I was awake. All day Saturday and all night, as well as all day Sunday and all night, and then all day on Monday until she was born at 7:04 p.m. That's ~60 hours of labor (with no drugs... or sleep). I have to stress how tired I was. I knew, or I had been told, that first labors lasted a while, but DAYS?! Are you freakin' kidding me? It was worth it, though. I will never forget the first time I saw her little face, or the first time she breastfed, or her first diaper change... This is love.

OH! We found a really great pediatrician (courtesy of one of the amazing nurses at Women's East, Angie) who offers delayed and selective vaccinations. Angie heard us talking about having a hard time finding one, and about how the pediatrician at Women's East wouldn't even see Keeli when she was a day old because she hadn't had her shots. She referred us to Dr. Memon on Shallowford Road, and we just love her. :)

Keeli is smiling, giggling, babbling, and trying to roll over. I seriously feel like I'm getting old so quickly because of the rate she is developing and growing.

I am SO blessed and even more grateful... I can't even remember what I used to do with my time before this little angel came along.

42 weeks tomorrow! (thanks to my awesome OB)

Remember that post I made calling my OB "Doctor Butthole"? Well, I totally take it back... even though he is still a major smart ass, he is no bigger one to me than I am to him. ;)

I say "I take it back" because I honestly expected him to be basically forcing me into the hospital, using that dreaded "I" word: "induction". I guess I have been wrong numerous times about assuming things with him, and I feel bad about it but he understands.

When I told him I didn't want to have my cervix checked (from 35 weeks all the way until just last week), all he said was, "Okay, so how are you feeling?" He didn't even ask why or try to convince me that I needed to. He just shrugged it off. His nurse practitioner, on the other hand, was just the opposite; she was like, "Well, I kinda have to because we won't know if you're going to be making any progress if I don't." Lady, that was at 35 weeks... You must think I'm an idiot. Good luck getting my pants off. Needless to say, she just gave me the sing-song-voice "Okaaayyyy" and wrote down on my little chart that I had "refused a cervical check". I then informed her that Dr. Childs knew I wasn't going to be having one, and she just rolled her eyes. I don't like her.

So, my most recent appointment on the 3rd was when I expected him to want to schedule me for an induction for the 7th, which would be when I turned over to 42 weeks. At my appointment on the 27th, when asked what happens after the 7th, his original reply was, "There is no 'after the 7th'", and I just sighed... He knew, though, and has all along, that I'm more interested in letting Keeli decide when she's ready than adhering to protocol and basically forcing her out. I have had a healthy, no-risk-at-all pregnancy and Keeli has been growing and developing like a champ. So, at my last appointment, he asked how I was and I told him I was just tired from being up all night (at the sewing machine, haha). He told me to go home, get some rest, and we'd wait on the NST until Monday. I looked at him all shocked-like, "I thought you weren't going to 'let me go' past Sunday? I thought you would try forcing me into the hospital???" His reply: "I never said that. I know you're both healthy and I know we've decided to wait on her to tell us when she's ready."

I LOVE MY OB!!!

What I don't love, though, are women who only mean well, can't help how little they actually know about birth, and insinuate that something is wrong with me by wanting to stay pregnant until Keeli is ready. It seriously astonishes me some of the things women ask me...

"He's not letting you get induced?"
"Aren't you miserable; don't you just want her out?"
"He's making you go until she comes on her own?!"
"What happens if she doesn't come on her own?" (<-lol)
"When are you scheduled to have her?"
"About time for that c-section, huh?"

What the hell? What is going on these days???

Do we induce the hatching of an egg? Do we rip rose buds open to "help" them bloom? Would you pull a butterfly from its chrysalis? NO. God, nature, and the developing organism decide when the right time to emerge is.

Where has that gone? :(

Luckily, I think Dr. Childs sees that I am educated, prepared and, if nothing else, headstrong as to what I want and don't want for my baby. He recognizes that I know what I'm talking about and that I've invested time in my health and in learning all I can about pregnancy and childbirth (and that I'm not just saying that I want this, this and this "just 'cause"). I feel like he respects me and trusts the decisions I'm making, and hasn't tried to pull the whole, "I'm the doctor; you're not qualified enough to make these decisions."

Although he did piss me off that one time with the, "Yeah, you consulted Dr. Google" thing, when I came back the next week with my little pile of research and typed report in-hand in a little purple folder, he took the time and slowly skimmed over every page.
"Okay. You are totally in charge unless something goes absolutely wrong, then I'm in charge." "Well, yeah, I'd kinda want you to be; that's what we're paying you for."
And then he hit me on the head with my chart. :D

Before, I had worried about being able to stay calm upon arriving at the hospital because of how intrusive I expect the nurses will be or how pushy they'll be or how they'll want to bug me with unnecessary interventions... But Dr. Childs signed my Birth Preferences sheet. All my Doula really has to say to them is, "Look, he knows what she wants and he is fine with it. Leave us alone."

I have learned, both on my own and in my Hypnobabies class, that if I don't feel safe while I'm in my birthing time, that my body will instinctively slow its processes until I do. Luckily, I don't have to worry about that anymore thanks to how unexpectedly cooperative my OB has been and him proving to me that he has faith that my body and my baby will know what to do.

I am very, very grateful. :)

Grips.

I think this is more for me than anyone else and, if given enough thought, I may even hide this entire post eventually... It's pretty personal, and I can't help but feel a little selfish about it.

But this is how I feel.

I wouldn't say I "miss" the life I was living a year ago. It was the typical, teenage kind of come-and-go-as-I-please with little-to-no responsibilities other than school and work. School, at that time, seemed more "optional" to me then. (I have now, of course, made my academic excellence near top priority upon my return.) I wasn't a bad student at all, but I could have been even greater had I really applied myself. My days at work were inconvenient at best, but they allowed me to assume monetary independence when it came to my car, insurance, gas, food, blow money, etc. ("Blow" as in "money to blow" and not "money for blow", mind you.)

My social life was amazing, to say the least, and had been ever since I forced myself out of a previous, completely mutually parasitic relationship. I was finally who I'd always wanted to be. I had to answer to no one (aside from my parents, of course, because I was still living rent-free in their house). I went to class, hung out with friends, went to work, got off work, and then hit the club or whatever dance party was going on at the time. Unless I was staying with friends, I came home at a reasonable hour for someone my age (no later than 3-4 am on weekends, usually) and I always greeted my mom upon my safe arrival before crashing or texted her to let her know I had made it to bed in one piece. She trusted me to make the right decisions because she has been there first-hand with me every time I faced the consequences of the decisions I had made that weren't so great... She knew I had come a long way.

Despite the feeling I had of being totally care-free and young and loving the life I was living, I couldn't help but feel as though I was missing something. It wasn't that I wasn't surrounded by enough people who loved me or that I was unhappy... I just felt like I was going through the motions, routines, daily ins-and-outs of life simply for survival, simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along with no real purpose and nothing truly required of me. Yeah, I had dreams. I had big dreams (and still do), but I felt I really had no motivation to get them done in a timely manner. That's a good thing, I suppose, for someone who was my age and in my situation; I was deathly afraid of having all the good times pass me by just so that I could get my degree, be rich one day and end up working the rest of my life away.

At no point during this down time did I ever think getting pregnant would make me feel the opposite of what I had been feeling or would make anything better. At no point did I say to myself, "Hey, I'm gonna get pregnant today. That sounds like a great idea." If anything, I hadn't planned on having babies until I was married, and I hadn't planned on getting married until after I was out of school, had a stable career in tow, and was making payments on a nice car and a big damn house.

Well.

The funny thing about birth control is that when your biological mother birthed nine kids and there are obviously tons of seeds in the genetic pumpkin patch, it's really important to take it every day (maybe even at the same time every day). What's ironic is that I had missed more birth control during my previous relationship than I had the entire time Keeli's father and I spent together. I seriously missed a total of THREE days in the month of October. THREE. And I hadn't missed any before October. In my previous relationship, I had missed so much a couple times that my period began early or was out of whack completely. I guess Keeli's dad also excelled in the fertility department.

I know the day I had ovulated and knew that, since I'd had sex just that morning, I was going to be pregnant. I just sort of looked in the mirror in the bathroom and spoke to God, rather casually as I usually do and said, "Alright, Man. If this is what's going to happen, then You know best. I trust You, just don't let me screw my kid up."

November came and went without a period. I knew I was pregnant. I was still going out here and there just to sort of soak up what I could of the young scene but I was already withdrawing in my own ways. I was preparing myself for informing Keeli's father, my parents, the rest of my family, and my friends whom I knew I would probably never see again due to my changed focus in life. I slowly disappeared off the radar, quit answering text messages and calls, and I may as well have sold my car because I was staying at home. I didn't do so out of feeling the typical "woe is me" thing; I was doing it because I knew my life was about to change and I needed to change with it.

I never imagined, though, allowing myself to become this immersed in motherhood. I think had my brother (and Dr. Sears) not talked some sense into me, I would have ended up quarantining myself in my house just to prove to myself and everyone else that my only interest is on being a "good" mommy. I had a friend of mine tell me, early EARLY on in my pregnancy, that she didn't want to do anything without her baby because then she'd feel like a bad mommy. I think that may have flipped some sort of switch in my head and, essentially, brainwashed me.

Oh my God, I can't possibly do this, this or this because people will see me without my baby and think I've just pawned her off on my parents and then I'll look like the typical young mother who doesn't give two shits and I just can't have that.

Fine. Think that if you want. But until I got pregnant, I was constantly advising people about the importance of balance in their lives. How hypocritical is that, now? It's like I got pregnant and after a few weeks or so, I aimed to cut off an entire part of who I am because if I didn't, I felt like I would look like (not even initially feel, but appear to be) a bad mom.

Oh, there's that Ashley Free, out doing whatever she wants even though this may be her one night a month she gives herself to go out and enjoy the fact that she's still a young, attractive twenty year-old woman. She must be a bad mother.

Happy babies stem from happy mommies. I have been told that over and over and over. Who's to say I'll even enjoy being out again the first few times? I probably won't, honestly. But I know what's healthy for me and what isn't.

The idea I initially had of motherhood was that I would just be at home with her and that's it. There would be no way I would allow myself out of her sight because somewhere down the line I got the idea that's what good mommies do.

Well, that may be what some mommies do, but not this one.

Speechless

It's little things like this that remind me that maybe I'm not so crazy.

I take a lot of naps these days, more so within the past couple of weeks. (Hopefully that means I'm resting up because I'm about to go into my birthing time. Who knows when that will actually happen, but anyway.) So, I nap a lot. It isn't typically deep, deep sleep because of how frequently it occurs, but I do have the ability to attain lucidity if I so choose and even project if I am feeling particularly froggy.

Today, I initially sought projection more so out of boredom than anything else. It turned out basically blowing my damn mind in the end.

~ ~ ~

I was on the couch downstairs, taking a break from the sewing machine because it was really starting to piss me off. I now hate sewing with PUL. The needle would go into both the fabrics, everything was threaded correctly even, but it just wasn't making a stitch. When I realized how stressed I was allowing myself to become over the situation, I decided to try and relax, and maybe take a little nap.

So I'm there on the couch, totally comfortable, paying attention to my breathing and the white noise of the air-filtering vent. I let my head fall where it may, my muscles become limp, my eyes roll. I decide I am going to astrally project, simply because I haven't done so in about a week. So upon becoming totally relaxed both mentally and physically, I turn my focus to my heartbeat. When I am attempting a projection, this is my staple, my anchor, much like a metronome. I can't explain the feeling I get once I realize that my body is totally asleep and my mind is still very much awake, but I notice it and, as usual, my heart starts pounding furiously. This is when the eyes of my astral body open (while my physical eyes remain closed), and I look around the room...

I sit up. I look down at my legs, my flat stomach. My astral body isn't pregnant; it hasn't been this entire time. It's an odd, rather lonely sensation but I know it isn't "real". I turn around and see a view of my physical body as though I was sitting on top of myself. I smile. "YES."

I get up whilst moving as slowly as possible. My "skin" vibrates. My lips are numb. My hair is flickering in the air around me as though there is a breeze. I look at my physical body and I see my daughter kicking, random knots forming on my stomach as she stretches out and rolls around. I decide to stay as close as possible to my body (and her) because I don't like the feeling I get when I venture too far out. Not to mention how easily distracted I become upon traveling and my bad sense of direction...

"I'm just going to go into the garage, but it won't be the garage... I will open this door and instead of concrete and walls, I will step into my world. It will be my special, safe place. It will be a field surrounded by trees on either side of me, with the curvature of the Earth in view much as the ocean appears to showcase it, but more prominent. I will see every constellation in the sky above me, numerous planets teeming with life within contact's reach, comets, and there will be an almost subsonic, continuous ringing of Ohm radiating throughout every fiber of my being and vibrating into all the things surrounding me, consuming me and connecting me... So much so that I feel as though I will be able to burst into pure energy and become part of everything."

And so I did, and so it was.

I am sitting there in my little fairy circle (a circle of wild mushrooms occurring in nature [Google it, it's real]), attempting to absorb this beautiful sensory overload. I already miss my daughter. I know in my waking life I have only been here for a few minutes, but taking the time to note only a few details of this place feels like eternity. Time doesn't exist here, but "here" isn't where I necessarily belong. I have to go back. I have to keep checking behind me to make sure the door to my living room is still there. God forbid...

While I'm thinking all of this to myself, I sense something's out of place. Someone's here. Someone who has not been invited here is here with me. They're to my right. My senses go on alert. My mind races. I clench my jaw, and I can almost feel my pupils dilate. My entire right side is starting to feel really warm. I wonder if I should even look over there and acknowledge them or act as though I have no idea they're even around. I sense it's a guy. It's a guy I know. "Shit, fine." I look over. A cool breeze surrounds me and I smile and become calm almost immediately.

This guy is SO welcome here...

I almost laugh when I realize who it is, and I want more than anything to run to him and embrace him, to show him everything, to introduce him to everyone and connect with him on this level the way we had been trying to for so long. "He figured it out; he's here. He finally got the hang of it!"

There is one thing, though, that is bothering me- We didn't plan this. I had no idea he'd be here, and I've always considered it quite intrusive of someone to show up unannounced in my waking life and even more so on the astral plain. It's like being interrupted during a prayer or a car alarm going off right outside a church window. It's annoying. It's even dangerous. He is walking toward me, and I anticipate being able to interact with him in this way but I also know II Corinthians 11:14 by heart. I have to go. I smile at him, but I have to go. Who knows who (or what) this could really be. I have already learned my lesson in this department the hard way. I can't be as careless now that I have Keeli.

I turn to see the door and quickly float to it, my white peignoir flowing in the wind, the grass tickling my feet as I pass.

The door opens, and it all happens quickly from there, per usual. I spot my physical body and my eyes see what I could only describe as a rapid "zooming-in", as with a camera. I violently snap back into my body, and I physically awake almost with a gasp.

I touch and rub my belly, my daughter. She kicks in response. I sigh in relief. I'm back. The rest of my body remains still as I regain physical consciousness.

I am snapped out of this relaxation completely when my phone goes off on the floor beside the couch, alerting me of a new text message. I wait maybe a minute or two, because the sound of the ring itself causes my heart to jump and even startles me. I finally reach down, pick up my phone and open it.

It's him, and his message simply says, "Why'd you run off so quickly?"

...

THE HELL??!!

Deciding to Stay at Home

In taking the past couple of days to decide which day care would be best for Keeli, I came to the conclusion that I won't be ready for day care at just six months-old. I mean, SHE won't be ready. That's what I mean... ;)

Not only would staying at home with her keep her out of the day care atmosphere, where God only knows what goes on and what she'll be allowed to get into (not to mention, she'd have to be vaccinated in order to attend), but it would allow us to bond, continue breastfeeding exclusively, and take advantage of the time we have together before I go to nursing school.

It may seem as though I'm already planning to be the over-protective, obsessive mommy but... This is what I feel is right. I just can't justify sacrificing experiencing her very first year of life to go to school. I know that my going back would technically be for both our future benefit, but the fact of the matter is that I'm going to be in school for at least two years regardless. (And why not enjoy being unemployed and staying at home with her while I am able?) I may not even have to have a job until she is two years-old, allowing me at least a year to focus solely on her and my studies upon my return to school in the Fall of 2012.

Not to mention, my mom and I both shared the same feelings about going back mid-year, at the beginning of the Spring semester. I just think I would feel as though I have a better, more structured, "normal" routine in place by waiting to return until the Fall like (most) typical college students.

Don't get me wrong; I was excited about going back, having somewhere I know I need to be and working ahead to achieve my dreams for my daughter and me. But the sense of urgency to do so really seems trivial now that I realize how important these first months will be and how quickly they will go by. Plus, my brother is twenty-seven and still hasn't graduated (although when he does, it will be with two different bachelor's degrees, both with minors from UTC).

I will return to college; not returning is not an option. Waiting to return, however, is an option in my case and I can't wait to have the full-on "mommy" experience.

Finding the Right Pediatrician

This is now my main issue...

My mom, Nana and I are going to take care of the things on my list from my previous blog entry (for the most part) tomorrow after my appointment. The first thing on the list has proven to be the most difficult, as I had expected it would be.

I'm not sure if my family understands how imperative it is to me that I find the right pediatrician for Keeli. I obviously have to first narrow down my options to those who take her insurance, then again to those who will offer (if any of them) a delayed vaccination schedule. My mom understands this somewhat but my Dad, on the other hand, replied "I thought you already interviewed a pediatrician? It can't be that hard; just pick one from the list." God, what a freaking "man" thing to say.

Moving on...


I am not comfortable allowing her to be pumped full of vaccines for numerous (and I do mean NUMEROUS) illnesses when most of them are administered for preventative measures anyway or are simply administered to the masses when maybe only a few babies really stand to benefit. Have they really been requiring babies to have these long enough to attain adequate research on their long-term effects, especially when noting that sometimes different vaccines are coupled, even quadrupled, together into one dose? I don't think so, and I am going to need to find a pediatrician who respects the fact that I feel the need to do my own research before allowing Keeli to have these foreign chemicals introduced into her tiny, brand new system.

I have been told that most practices will not accept babies who aren't vaccinated on schedule, and even that DHS/CPS will be called if I choose not to vaccinate her accordingly.
Without going any further on this from a political standpoint, I will simply quote something a friend of mine just said to me: "The government has taken it upon themselves to be parents for us and it is so frustrating."

The pediatrician I first had a consultation with basically made me feel as though I wasn't "qualified enough" to make decisions as to when or if she receives these vaccinations.

That may be the case for some women but the other part of me says that as a well-read, intelligent, research-seeking woman who also happens to be her mother... I am.

Last Minute "Gotta-Do-RIGHT-NOWs"

I logged into my BabyFit account today to enter in the last few things I had eaten and my exercises for the day before heading downstairs to unwind for the night. I went to my home page, where I typically watch the counter for my "due date". It read, "Only 19 more days to go!" I knew "the time" was drawing nearer and nearer, but it didn't hit me until today... and I feel like I still have SO MUCH to do.

This may seem a little obsessive, but I don't care. I am writing this blog entry to physically map-out my plan for the rest of this week so that I (hopefully) will get these things done. By Sunday, I will have somewhere around 13 days left until Keeli's arrival. Here's what I have left to do so far (and I could technically do it all in one day if I so chose, but that's highly unlikely):

• Call the remaining pediatricians on my list and .pdf directory to set up additional consultations, since I obviously had far different views from the first one I interviewed.
• Set up an appointment for proper infant seat installation inspection at BabiesRUs. (I used to work there!)
• Call the child care centers on my list around Ooltewah to set up interviews/pay retainer deposit for when I return to school in January (though I am considering staying at home with her the entire first year) Forget this part entirely, as I am going to stay home with her until next fall when she will be a year old.
• After phone calls, I need to pick up the two parcels I have waiting on me at the Post Office. This will get done first, more than likely, even if it doesn't make sense route-wise to do so; it's a big shipment of more cloth diapers!!! :)
  
• Buy the items on the list I made (complete with pictures, haha) on the blue laptop. Shop The Dollar Tree first for smaller items, then Target (with $50 gift card), then Wal-Mart if absolutely necessary.
  
• Force Dad to let me have a clothesline so that I can buy that, have it installed, and feel "ready" for diaper duty. He keeps dodging me on this.
• Fill-out, address, apply postage to and mail my Thank You cards for those who attended my baby shower/sent gifts in the mail. There are tons of them. I keep putting it off but if I don't do them before she gets here, I know I will never get them done.
• Add new items from shopping to hospital bags for when it's "time".
• Condense number of hospital bags if I can. Right now there are a total of 7 in various sizes, and I also have to take my birthing ball and pillows. The only problem I can foresee with downsizing is that everything I'm packing, I will probably need. DOWNSIZED, but still have all the essentials.
  
• Wash pocket diapers. I am trying to wait on all of them to arrive first so that I can do one big wash, but who knows when they'll all be here. I am currently waiting on twenty more, fifteen of which I believe are in the shipment mentioned above that I will be picking up tomorrow.
  
• Finish sewing newborn AIO's and a few more newborn fitteds.

Now that I'm seeing all of this in writing, I think it makes it seem a little more manageable. It at least gives me something to refer to.

Nevermind; it seems like a lot still. Jeez. I better get in bed so I can wake up before 10am tomorrow. =)

36 Weeks & 3 Day Ultrasound

It's kind of sad, because I know this will be the last ultrasound I'll see of her (and possibly the last ultrasound I'll ever have). Today is July 1st, and in around thirty days, give or take a few, Keeli will be here in my arms!!!

My appointment was with my OB's nurse practitioner. She was thrown for a little bit of a loop, I believe, when I told her I'd rather she didn't "check" me. She asked three different times throughout the rest of my appointment "Why not?", and I just shrugged her off every time. "Oh, there are various reasons...", and the like. She also wanted to tell me how things are going to go for the rest of my pregnancy and once I come to the hospital, and I just politely nodded, while thinking to myself, "How will you know? You're not even going to be there!" She also said something along the lines of how it's important for them to check me so they will know when to "expect" me to go into labor, and I declined, once again, and told her my baby will let me know when she's ready. So annoying.

In better news- This baby girl has a TON of hair!!! I have included below a picture of it, and it's pretty obvious if you know what to look for. It is all over her little head, and the US tech said she hadn't seen a baby with that much hair in a while. She is also head down (vertex) and facing my back (anterior). She is preparing for launch! That was the news I went to my appointment today wanting to hear; I was so afraid she had flipped back to breech, even though she has been head down since about my 28th week or so. All those cat and cow stretches and time spent on my birthing ball, I like to think, encouraged her to stay in that position. I get more and more excited every day, and the days turn into weeks so quickly here recently. I can't wait to meet her!

Dear Doctor Butthole,

I met with a prospective pediatrician yesterday, and was not happy with what I learned... I left that appointment in tears from frustration. She insinuated that, because I was delaying the Hepatitis B vaccine and refusing the vitamin K shot altogether, I must not care about my baby suffering brain damage or contracting a disease and dying because of what I chose for her. Needless to say, I will not be using her for my daughter.

I have an appointment with my OB tomorrow. He has been mostly supportive of what I have asked for as far as Birthing Preferences. When it came to the shots, however, he simply gave me the run-around, saying, "Well, that happens immediately; every baby gets them; it's just routine". No, it won't happen immediately, THIS baby will not get them, and I guess I will have to take extensive measures to snap you out of your routine even if only for ONE birth. Thank GOD I have a Doula who's got my back and a very informed, don't-f*ck-with-me mom, both of whom will support me and make sure my wishes are followed.

I plan on including below the research I am taking with me to my OB appointment in the morning. When I had mentioned to him last week about how I wanted to delay Hep B and didn't want vitamin K at all for her based on some research I had done, he said something along the lines of, "Yeah, you consulted Dr. Google". What the ****??? No. She's not getting them. She doesn't need them. So, no thanks... And, here, read this when you're on the toilet next if you're interested in what Dr. Google had to say.

Beautiful Pregnancy

Today was my maternity photo shoot and, needless to say, I was not excited about having my picture taken. I sometimes feel like a whale, especially when there are cameras around. I used to want the "perfect body", but I had no idea how hot I actually was until I got pregnant. Don't get me wrong, though; I love my pregnant body. I hope that after Keeli is born, I will proudly wear my new stretchmarks as badges of honor, but that isn't to say I will be showing them off. I felt really self-conscious in front of the camera today, but after seeing a few of the shots before editing, I am happy to say that I think I do make quite an attractive pregnant woman.

After my photo shoot, I went to my childhood friend's bridal shower. I saw a few girls I had grown up with for the first time in ages, babies in their arms. They all cooed over my pregnant belly and told me I looked great. For the first time since I ballooned into a walking baby-factory, I believed them.

I haven't had any complaints and have been blessed enough to have an uneventful, healthy pregnancy. I (typically) eat only whole, natural foods and I exercise daily. I have cute maternity clothing and can still wear some of the shirts I wore before I got pregnant, although they are more form-fitting now... jeans are another story, haha.

I suppose I am getting somewhat emotional about this because I know that in around four weeks, it will be over. I can already tell I am going to miss being pregnant, as much as I am dying to meet Keeli and have her in my arms. I have promised myself to enjoy every little movement, every little nudge or kick, every little hiccup until she is born (and I will even gladly cooperate with my sciatica). Being pregnant has been the best experience of my entire life to date, and I thank my God for blessing me with this wonderful journey that many women are denied.

Sling-Stashing!

I have assessed my "sling stash", and I feel pretty decent about it. I have two pouch slings and four ring slings (technically five, but I don't like one of them). Considering how expensive these things can really run, I am calling it quits for those. The most I have paid for a sling has been ~$12, so I have been lucky in that aspect. If I buy any more (if I NEED any more), I will be returning to eBay, of course. I'm a bargain shopper!

Here is a picture of the ring slings I have. (The bottom right is the one I am "iffy" about.)


These ring slings are actually, simply, fabric from India that I scored in a previous relationship. I am more economical than anyone gives me credit for. Haha.


Here is what my pouch slings look like. I am waiting on the orange-colored one to arrive in the mail.



These are slings from SevenSlings.com. I have read mixed reviews on this brand; some people don't like the fabric or think it's sturdy enough. However, I showed the sling I have from there to the leader of our local baby-wearing group (Lookout Babywearers) and she thinks it is just fine. I guess it is more about personal preference.

I can't wait to see her little face looking up at me from the safety of her sling. Even more so, I can't wait to breastfeed her while being out and about, using the cover of my ring sling fabric! I know that may sound odd to some people, but I think it's totally precious.

My Ever-Growing Diaper Stash

As of right now, I have won a total of 11 Babyland pocket diapers from eBay for only $31, all with free shipping!!!

Here is a picture of what one of them looks like, the other 10 are just plain colors (red, pink, purple, blue, green, yellow, orange).



That brings my diaper stash count to the 7 AI2/OS that I made myself, 14 Babyland OS pockets, 58 pre-folds and 20 pairs of plastic pants.

I am also waiting on a bidding for 10 more Babyland OS pockets. If I win those today, that will bring my OS total to 31, not to mention a TON of pre-folds (that I will be using as inserts as well when she gets bigger).

CAN'T WAIT FOR THEM TO ARRIVE! Just one more thing I'll be impatiently waiting on. :)

UPDATE:: WON the 10 diapers from eBay for $23, including shipping!!! I now have 30 OS and a ton of pre-folds/plastic pants. My hyper-diaper-shopping is now DONE.

My (soon-to-arrive) Daughter's Nursery

Since I made this video, we have changed it a little... Added more little things here and there. The look we were going for was originally 40's Glamour-like, and I hope we landed somewhere in that ballpark. I think it's so pretty, and it's something she can grow into as well. I love baby stuff, don't get me wrong, but I can't stand pink, pink, pink everything. She can be a girl without being obnoxious about it! :)

ANTI-SHAMPOO =)

I had been reading online about this for a while, but I never tried it until today after I got done cleaning out all that junk from the garage. It really worked! This is how it looked after I washed it (bad lighting and no make-up, sorry haha). My hair was blown dry for a few minutes after being allowed to dry mostly on its own, and then I did straighten it (I don't do that often).

My brother, Joe, came to our most recent family dinner and I couldn't help but notice how his hair had grown and how healthy it looked... He told me he had only been using conditioner! I wondered if it would make my long hair grungy, but it didn't! Even after I had been sweating all day!


I should tell you that I don't wash my hair every day, or even every other day. I would typically only wash my hair maybe once a week, and that would be only to keep my scalp clean. I know it seems kind of nasty, but honestly the less and less I washed my hair, the less and less oily it got. Once I got into college, I valued sleep over "hygiene" and started skipping the morning 1-hour hair routine- the best decision ever! It would typically only get oily if I had done strenuous activity (workouts). I just felt like skipping washes was making it healthier and helping it to grow more... Maybe the growth I am experiencing now is from my prenatal vitamins, but I think my wash routine helped, too!

Along with the extended periods of time between my washes, I cut out something else- the blow dryer! Again, if I was going somewhere and wanted to style my hair in a hurry, I would use it, but for days when I knew I'd be at home long enough to allow it to dry on its own, I wouldn't. I also quit using the flat iron and allowed my hair to do what it naturally wants to, and apparently it likes being curly/wavy. After it's dry, I may rub just a little gel between my hands and distribute it throughout my hair, giving me beachy-like waves.

This is how I did the conditioner routine a couple hours ago: I simply massaged my scalp when it was dry (and oily) for a few minutes, then used my pure bristle brush to distribute the oils from the scalp all the way down the shafts. I wet my hair with hotter-than-normal water and then used the conditioner as I would my shampoo, but with more massage action. I actually found that I used a lot of conditioner, but that may not be so necessary. I just wanted to make sure I saturated my head, because I was afraid of leaving behind any grime. I also massaged with my fingertips, not my nails! I recommend using Alberto VO5 Clarifying Conditioner in Vanilla Mint Tea... for no particular reason other than it was what was in my shower at the time, haha. It's also really cheap and widely available, which is great for me because I have long hair and it looks like I'll be using a lot of the stuff.

At first, you hair might feel kind of dirty to you, especially if you're an every day or every other day washer. I didn't have this issue, but I've read where it can take up to a couple of weeks for the transition to make your hair feel "clean".

My hair looks and feels amazing! I can tell it's a little static-y, but after a few more washes, it will level out again, I'm sure. It is just used to having all its oils stripped for so long! I recommend everyone to try it!

I won the OS Pockets!!!

I won my diapers! I'm so excited. I cannot wait to get them in the mail!!! I ended up paying $17.01 for FIVE, with free shipping. That's basically a steal in my book! Yay, fluffy mail on the way! :) Here is what they look like: (I already have the yellow, so this time I am getting the green, blue, purple, pink and red)
I am also currently bidding on a set of 10 (currently bidding at $1.75, ending in two days), as well as four individuals (right now, bidding at $.06/piece, ending in one to two days).
Fingers still crossed!!!

This Day, Two Years Ago

No, this post is NOT about Michael Jackson, though may he rest in peace.

I thought I should document where I was on this date in 2009, because had everything not played out the way it did, I would not have my daughter. It's crazy how I manage to allow myself to worry about things, as though God doesn't know exactly what He's doing. I'm silly sometimes, I guess.

Two years ago today, my boyfriend (technically fiance) at the time and I went our separate ways. It was the day before our three year anniversary. I was still at his house in Houston, but I had a flight booked for the very next morning, our actual anniversary. I would be coming home alone. I will never forget how I thought I could never be happy again after that. What was I supposed to do? What about school? We went to the same college and everything; now I'm going to have to see him everyday, not to mention I have NO IDEA where any of my classes are. Everyone knows how bad I am at going places I've never been, how I get panicky feeling and anxious when I get lost, and how easy it is for me to get lost.

I thank God for my bad sense of direction. I'll tell you why...

First day of school... My ex and I had been split for not even two months, and he was already parading around campus with his new girlfriend, making sure to bring her to converse at a table where I was sitting with some of our mutual friends. She just had to keep her hair flipped to one side to show of the giant hickey on her neck (classy!), and mention how she has friends on campus but has been with him every night and has yet to hang out with them. That hurt. It honestly did. I look down at my phone to check the time, and luckily I needed to start heading to class. I walk away fighting back tears, while also trying to figure out where the heck I'm going. I knew the building, but the actual classroom was giving me problems. "If he was here with me, this wouldn't be an issue", I remember thinking to myself.

I walk into a room and sit down. The teacher hands me a syllabus. It is Rhet. & Comp., but in total embarrassment, I noticed I had the wrong teacher. I sat there for about ten minutes until he took role. I told him I must be in the wrong class, and he politely showed me where to go. SO EMBARRASSING!

Before opening the door to my correct room, I fixed my hair and glanced at my reflection in a display case on the wall. My little brown Maxi dress, sandals, gold jewelry... I told myself I looked good. I knew that since I was late, everyone would be staring at me. I opened the door, and I was right. Of course, right in the VERY front row was a very, very attractive guy staring right at me. His eyes followed me for a second and I quickly made my way to my seat.

My instructor babbled on, reviewing her syllabus, calling role. She made us go around the room and say our name, where we were from, and our major. Speaking in public never bothered me, so this passed just like an old routine. But this guy kept looking back at me, the guy who had been staring at me when I came into the room. He continued to do so until class was over. As I gathered my books and papers and organized them neatly into my backpack, I noticed he was purposely taking longer to put his ONE folder into his backpack. "Oh Lord, he's going to talk to me...".



I brushed passed him and started down the hallway. He met up with me, and came walking right beside me as though we had known each other forever. I looked straight ahead and laughed at him out of the corner of my eye. "Hi Ashley, I'm Samuel", he smiled. I finally turned to look at him and just said "Hey, Sam".


Fate.


Had I gotten what I thought I wanted at the time, to be with my ex, to have him holding my hand everywhere and leading me in all the right places... I wouldn't even have given Samuel a second look, and I wouldn't be awaiting the arrival of our daughter today.

I am blessed. :)

Hyper-Nesting Phase 2

Today, I may have seriously overdone it. Well, not really, but if you ask my mom, I did.

Since we moved into this house when I was 16, the two-car garage here has been FULL of total JUNK. We somehow managed to get one side of it clean enough so my mom could park her car inside. Today, I cleaned out the rest... ALL of it.

This entire little project was completely involuntary. I had already swept and hosed-out the side where my mom's car is usually parked; Maggi had pee-peed in that spot and I didn't want it to start smelling. That task alone almost had me exhausted. Then, the guys from the furniture store came and dropped off the new couch for the downstairs. Upon going back into the garage, I discovered they had knocked over one of the pots full of soil, and dirt was everywhere. I was a little ticked-off, but after they just hauled off a couch and put a new one in (and moved the stuff in the garage so they could do so) all by themselves, I figured I'd just clean it up. That's where it all started. I couldn't effectively sweep because of all the crap in the way, so I decided to move it all. I picked up box after box, sorted through old pictures, old toys, old trophies, put all of my step-dad's things into two giant tubs and moved those... I did it all.

Mom and I had been saying for a couple months (at least) that we were going to clean it out together so that I could get my car into the other side. It needed to be done, not only because that's what a garage is supposed to be for, but so that Keeli and I could get inside without dealing with the outside elements during the hot summers and cold winters. Mom came home today and was absolutely surprised, and then worried. (I also hadn't eaten until around 3p.m. because I had been cleaning since around 10a.m.) "Go upstairs, sit down, let me fix you something to eat, get off your feet, your ankles are so swollen". She's so sweet.

But then she told me: During both of her pregnancies with my older brother and sister, a week before they were born, she had a major spurt of energy that came out of nowhere except the feeling that certain things HAD to be taken care of RIGHT THEN. She asked me, "Are you sure this baby isn't coming anytime soon?" And I just laughed. She better not; she still has lots of growing to do!!!

I will be 36 weeks tomorrow, due around July 24th. I would really love to carry her as long as possible, and my doctor is even going to let me go until August 7th if we both stay as healthy as we have been. I don't want to not be pregnant, despite wanting to meet her so badly.

My arms are kind of sore, and I'm waiting on eBay to tell me I won the bid on the cloth diapers I was talking about yesterday (fingers crossed!). Just thought I'd document my recent triumph over Mount Trashmore in our garage. :)

Hyper-Nesting

According to my OB, my "due" date is on July 24th. Today is June 24th, meaning I have somewhere around 30 days to try and get everything else in order for the arrival of my angel! I feel great as far as having everything I need. The only thing I am still waiting on is the travel system, and my sister is planning on buying it for me from one of our friends once she begins feeling better. If worse comes to worse (I go into "labor" before we have one), I'm sure my dad will go and pick one up.

There is, however, one thing I am concerned about... Diapers. I have this awful nagging feeling that I don't have enough. Until today, my mom had assumed we had somewhere around 50 pre-folds in our arsenal, along with 10 nappies, subtly varying in style but all OS pockets. She is super "old school" and doesn't see why I feel the need to buy the nappies. Her words to me are always the same: "I don't see what you have against the pre-folds and plastic pants". It's not that I have anything against them, they worked just fine for my siblings and I growing up, but the nappies just seem so much more convenient... not to mention CUTER!



It turns out, though, after inspecting Keeli's closet, she only has 34 pre-folds and 10 nappies. I almost started hyperventilating. That is probably only enough for 2 days, and I'm not about to be doing diaper laundry that often and increase the financial burden we are already imposing on my parents (water bill). The pre-folds we bought, although not organic and maybe not even of the best quality, came 12 to a pack for around $10. I am planning on buying probably 3 more packs of those, but that doesn't solve my nappies problem.

I have been looking around on Ebay, and currently have bids on 4 more OS pocket nappies and if no one bids against me, I can get all 4 for $1. That would be a rare occurrence; prices always rise to around $10/nappy, which is still better than buying at my local store. The bidding for these diapers ends in 2 days, and I'm just praying no one finds them!!!

I have sewn 6 of my own for less than $30. I really enjoyed the process, but my ankles and feet did NOT! They are really cute, AI2/OS, and very economical. Now, I just wish I could pay someone to sew the next batch so that I don't have to be sitting so long... and I'd have to watch them and nit-pick at them to make sure they're doing it right. :) Here is how they turned out.

I would love to be able to buy more material and make more. I can just imagine how proud I'll feel when I get to tell people "I made those myself!". I am hoping, though, to luck-out with this bargain I found on Ebay, and then use the money I saved to make 6 more of my own... That would put me at 20 diapers.

Ugh...

So, this is a summary of my current obsession: Diapers. Either way, I know she will be provided for, even if it's by the less-cute pre-folds and plastic pants. We are blessed.