Time Flies.

... When you have a baby.

It has actually seemed that way for quite a while, even before I got pregnant. I feel as though I have been dreaming for years now.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions and not really living them, like I'm just a passive observer of sorts. I wake up, do baby stuff, watch tv and rot my brain, do more baby stuff, do some housework, feed Keeli here and there, and go to bed. Rinse and repeat. I love my life, I really do, but I am not constantly and consistently fulfilled as I thought I would. I miss my friends, and the coming and going as I please thing. I miss being the social butterfly I once was.

It's not that I don't have friends, I do, but I definitely don't have the same ones I used to. I have totally different interests now, for the most part, and the friends I have, I have because I'm a mom and that's what we have in common. I'm in this weird transition period, once again trying to find myself. I'm twenty years-old, and I'm still in the same position I was when I was sixteen. Ha. At some point, I expected things to just mesh and gel together, as though I'd eventually reach a plateau and everything would just be perfect and that would be the end of it. Luckily, (I think "luckily") that hasn't happened yet. I do enjoy the little things: my daughter's smile, knowing that she needs me, knowing that she is going to love me even when she's fifteen and I'm the last person she wants to be around (if she's anything like I was). I just feel like I need something more...

It's another reason I'm glad that I'm returning to school sooner than expected; I will finally be working towards something productive. It isn't to say that I'm wasting time staying at home necessarily, but I need to get my career on the move once again. I can't wait to be DONE with school and set my current house floor plans into motion. I want to get out from under my parents', because I've got that whole "independence" thing going on.

I'm not in a slump... I'm just ready to get going, I suppose. I can't believe Keeli is already almost three months-old; I can remember thinking I was going to be pregnant forever!

Every year has gone by much more quickly than the last. It's something I was talking about to my long-time guy friend, Nick. He doesn't even have children, but he brought up the fact that time is just getting away from him somehow. It's so true. I'm going to be twenty-one years old and there are times when I still feel like I'm so young... Not maturity-wise, but it's just one of those things.

This is a boring post, I know, but it's six in the morning and no one is awake. It's my blog, after all...

Ya know what? EFF this.

It's a good "eff this", this time. I swear.
Okay, check this out:

So I've been fretting about school and "What am I gonna do?" and all "Woe is me" and rada rada. You may not even interpret this the same way I do, but this is my perception of the following information...

"Ashley, either you go back to school in January or you will have no health insurance."

"But, I don't want to put Keeli in day care. That's why I wasn't going to go back until next Fall."

"You can take night classes; we'll watch her in the evenings."

BAM. There it is.

I have secretly, or not-so-secretly, been dying to go back to school already, because that horrible sense of urgency and running out of time has emerged yet again. I just kind of feel like a loser sitting here at home every day, not necessarily wasting time, but I find most often that I'm bored. I'm always preaching to people, "Whatever you do, don't be bored; this is absolutely the most exciting time we could have possibly hoped to be alive. And things are just starting."
I just recently returned from Polk and, during my visit, learned that a girl two years younger than I is basically on her way to greatness. I feel like I should already be a practicing MD somewhere by now (although I know that's entirely unrealistic even for women my age who don't have children).

Don't get me wrong- I enjoy my time here with Keeli and I dread the day I have to go to school and leave her here with my mom. I really do. I really don't even want to think about it. But, this will be worth it. This is for the both of us. I will not waste my talents or miss an opportunity to make a great life for us.
I have something to really look forward to now, and it's a productive "something". It's "I'm working towards a secure future for my daughter and myself, and to teach her that nothing is impossible". So, Keeli, if you ever get knocked-up out of wedlock, your life is SO NOT OVER. Haha. That was really informal. This whole thing is.

Oh yeah...

We went to Hobby Lobby today and I stocked up on acrylic paints and canvas. And I'm tired of being sad, so eff it. 'Nuff said.

This hole you put me in
Wasn't deep enough
And I'm climbing out right now

mf.

No, you can't "just build a time machine", but here's what you can do...

Thank the Creator for the things you have and the people in your life. Take the time to marvel at something simple, the way my daughter does.

"Yeah, Kee, you're right; that ceiling fan is pretty awesome."

Onward and upward, inward and forward.

I will utilize this energy which I have borrowed.

aho dah-kee. <3

PPD

Let me just say a few things regarding my experience so far with postpartum depression...

-Surround yourself with people you love and people who will take you and your baby out of the house. I think the hardest part is the fact that I have the worst nomadic tendencies that I can no longer indulge in (I can, but I shouldn't). I'm sure I could think of stuff for Keeli and me to do together, but it takes so long for us to get out the door. She loves being out and about, though. The point is this: Being in this house day in and day out has become rather mundane, and if I don't get out and find some stimulation sooner or later, I might burn it down.

-Tell your doctor. I haven't gotten to that part yet. I'd like to think God, nature, whatever will balance me out in the long run. I don't have the crazy ppd where I want to commit suicide or harm my baby; I just feel "down" a lot of the time. I just don't feel happy, and I'm afraid if I were to tell my doctor such, he would want to prescribe me some sort of medication or put me in therapy and I'm not into that.

-Snuggle with your baby; keep him/her close. Keeli is either in my arms or by my side constantly and it really helps. Sure, she is asleep a lot of the time for now, but she wakes up in the best of moods.


Initially, my sadness began surrounding her birth, and how certain people weren't there that I thought should have been there. Then, I was so sore from her delivery (my entire body ached from exhaustion) that my mom actually took care of her more than I did for the first couple of days. That was really hard to see. Add our problems with being new to breastfeeding, and you've got a young woman on your hands who is hormonal, exhausted, and feels as though she can't do anything right or have anything done the way she wants it.

My sadness grew a little more every day after she turned a month old. There are things going on in my personal life that I'm having a hard time dealing with, none to do with Keeli at all, but I just don't think I'm emotionally ready to handle them (though I'm forced to). Plus, I am constantly worrying about school, what I'm going to do, how I'm going to work and still be able to study and take care of her at the same time... It can be done, I know, (I can do anything after laboring for days without drugs) but how I'm going to do it is what plagues my mind most often.

There's this other thing that is a red flag that something isn't right with me... I weighed myself last week and then again on Sunday. In that time span (~six days) I had lost twenty-one pounds. I can't really remember ever being hungry. After weighing myself, I looked at the clock and noticed we were well into the afternoon and I hadn't eaten.

"I used to have this appetite... for food, for my life. And it is just gone."

I just feel like I want to pack both our bags and leave. The thing that bugs me the most is that I so could, and no one could say anything about it.

Here we are, though, and this is where we'll be tomorrow and the next day and the next day...

Samuel

He is doing so well. I am seriously so proud of him... as a student, as a Marine, as a father, and as a partner.

He towel-dried my hair for me while I nursed Keeli. I had to have him stop, though, because he was having a little too much fun and I just knew I'd never be able to get a brush through it.

We are listening to Boards of Canada, joking around and flirting and cuddling...

Oh, man... :)

Two steps forward and fifty steps back.