PPD

Let me just say a few things regarding my experience so far with postpartum depression...

-Surround yourself with people you love and people who will take you and your baby out of the house. I think the hardest part is the fact that I have the worst nomadic tendencies that I can no longer indulge in (I can, but I shouldn't). I'm sure I could think of stuff for Keeli and me to do together, but it takes so long for us to get out the door. She loves being out and about, though. The point is this: Being in this house day in and day out has become rather mundane, and if I don't get out and find some stimulation sooner or later, I might burn it down.

-Tell your doctor. I haven't gotten to that part yet. I'd like to think God, nature, whatever will balance me out in the long run. I don't have the crazy ppd where I want to commit suicide or harm my baby; I just feel "down" a lot of the time. I just don't feel happy, and I'm afraid if I were to tell my doctor such, he would want to prescribe me some sort of medication or put me in therapy and I'm not into that.

-Snuggle with your baby; keep him/her close. Keeli is either in my arms or by my side constantly and it really helps. Sure, she is asleep a lot of the time for now, but she wakes up in the best of moods.


Initially, my sadness began surrounding her birth, and how certain people weren't there that I thought should have been there. Then, I was so sore from her delivery (my entire body ached from exhaustion) that my mom actually took care of her more than I did for the first couple of days. That was really hard to see. Add our problems with being new to breastfeeding, and you've got a young woman on your hands who is hormonal, exhausted, and feels as though she can't do anything right or have anything done the way she wants it.

My sadness grew a little more every day after she turned a month old. There are things going on in my personal life that I'm having a hard time dealing with, none to do with Keeli at all, but I just don't think I'm emotionally ready to handle them (though I'm forced to). Plus, I am constantly worrying about school, what I'm going to do, how I'm going to work and still be able to study and take care of her at the same time... It can be done, I know, (I can do anything after laboring for days without drugs) but how I'm going to do it is what plagues my mind most often.

There's this other thing that is a red flag that something isn't right with me... I weighed myself last week and then again on Sunday. In that time span (~six days) I had lost twenty-one pounds. I can't really remember ever being hungry. After weighing myself, I looked at the clock and noticed we were well into the afternoon and I hadn't eaten.

"I used to have this appetite... for food, for my life. And it is just gone."

I just feel like I want to pack both our bags and leave. The thing that bugs me the most is that I so could, and no one could say anything about it.

Here we are, though, and this is where we'll be tomorrow and the next day and the next day...