Speechless

It's little things like this that remind me that maybe I'm not so crazy.

I take a lot of naps these days, more so within the past couple of weeks. (Hopefully that means I'm resting up because I'm about to go into my birthing time. Who knows when that will actually happen, but anyway.) So, I nap a lot. It isn't typically deep, deep sleep because of how frequently it occurs, but I do have the ability to attain lucidity if I so choose and even project if I am feeling particularly froggy.

Today, I initially sought projection more so out of boredom than anything else. It turned out basically blowing my damn mind in the end.

~ ~ ~

I was on the couch downstairs, taking a break from the sewing machine because it was really starting to piss me off. I now hate sewing with PUL. The needle would go into both the fabrics, everything was threaded correctly even, but it just wasn't making a stitch. When I realized how stressed I was allowing myself to become over the situation, I decided to try and relax, and maybe take a little nap.

So I'm there on the couch, totally comfortable, paying attention to my breathing and the white noise of the air-filtering vent. I let my head fall where it may, my muscles become limp, my eyes roll. I decide I am going to astrally project, simply because I haven't done so in about a week. So upon becoming totally relaxed both mentally and physically, I turn my focus to my heartbeat. When I am attempting a projection, this is my staple, my anchor, much like a metronome. I can't explain the feeling I get once I realize that my body is totally asleep and my mind is still very much awake, but I notice it and, as usual, my heart starts pounding furiously. This is when the eyes of my astral body open (while my physical eyes remain closed), and I look around the room...

I sit up. I look down at my legs, my flat stomach. My astral body isn't pregnant; it hasn't been this entire time. It's an odd, rather lonely sensation but I know it isn't "real". I turn around and see a view of my physical body as though I was sitting on top of myself. I smile. "YES."

I get up whilst moving as slowly as possible. My "skin" vibrates. My lips are numb. My hair is flickering in the air around me as though there is a breeze. I look at my physical body and I see my daughter kicking, random knots forming on my stomach as she stretches out and rolls around. I decide to stay as close as possible to my body (and her) because I don't like the feeling I get when I venture too far out. Not to mention how easily distracted I become upon traveling and my bad sense of direction...

"I'm just going to go into the garage, but it won't be the garage... I will open this door and instead of concrete and walls, I will step into my world. It will be my special, safe place. It will be a field surrounded by trees on either side of me, with the curvature of the Earth in view much as the ocean appears to showcase it, but more prominent. I will see every constellation in the sky above me, numerous planets teeming with life within contact's reach, comets, and there will be an almost subsonic, continuous ringing of Ohm radiating throughout every fiber of my being and vibrating into all the things surrounding me, consuming me and connecting me... So much so that I feel as though I will be able to burst into pure energy and become part of everything."

And so I did, and so it was.

I am sitting there in my little fairy circle (a circle of wild mushrooms occurring in nature [Google it, it's real]), attempting to absorb this beautiful sensory overload. I already miss my daughter. I know in my waking life I have only been here for a few minutes, but taking the time to note only a few details of this place feels like eternity. Time doesn't exist here, but "here" isn't where I necessarily belong. I have to go back. I have to keep checking behind me to make sure the door to my living room is still there. God forbid...

While I'm thinking all of this to myself, I sense something's out of place. Someone's here. Someone who has not been invited here is here with me. They're to my right. My senses go on alert. My mind races. I clench my jaw, and I can almost feel my pupils dilate. My entire right side is starting to feel really warm. I wonder if I should even look over there and acknowledge them or act as though I have no idea they're even around. I sense it's a guy. It's a guy I know. "Shit, fine." I look over. A cool breeze surrounds me and I smile and become calm almost immediately.

This guy is SO welcome here...

I almost laugh when I realize who it is, and I want more than anything to run to him and embrace him, to show him everything, to introduce him to everyone and connect with him on this level the way we had been trying to for so long. "He figured it out; he's here. He finally got the hang of it!"

There is one thing, though, that is bothering me- We didn't plan this. I had no idea he'd be here, and I've always considered it quite intrusive of someone to show up unannounced in my waking life and even more so on the astral plain. It's like being interrupted during a prayer or a car alarm going off right outside a church window. It's annoying. It's even dangerous. He is walking toward me, and I anticipate being able to interact with him in this way but I also know II Corinthians 11:14 by heart. I have to go. I smile at him, but I have to go. Who knows who (or what) this could really be. I have already learned my lesson in this department the hard way. I can't be as careless now that I have Keeli.

I turn to see the door and quickly float to it, my white peignoir flowing in the wind, the grass tickling my feet as I pass.

The door opens, and it all happens quickly from there, per usual. I spot my physical body and my eyes see what I could only describe as a rapid "zooming-in", as with a camera. I violently snap back into my body, and I physically awake almost with a gasp.

I touch and rub my belly, my daughter. She kicks in response. I sigh in relief. I'm back. The rest of my body remains still as I regain physical consciousness.

I am snapped out of this relaxation completely when my phone goes off on the floor beside the couch, alerting me of a new text message. I wait maybe a minute or two, because the sound of the ring itself causes my heart to jump and even startles me. I finally reach down, pick up my phone and open it.

It's him, and his message simply says, "Why'd you run off so quickly?"

...

THE HELL??!!

Deciding to Stay at Home

In taking the past couple of days to decide which day care would be best for Keeli, I came to the conclusion that I won't be ready for day care at just six months-old. I mean, SHE won't be ready. That's what I mean... ;)

Not only would staying at home with her keep her out of the day care atmosphere, where God only knows what goes on and what she'll be allowed to get into (not to mention, she'd have to be vaccinated in order to attend), but it would allow us to bond, continue breastfeeding exclusively, and take advantage of the time we have together before I go to nursing school.

It may seem as though I'm already planning to be the over-protective, obsessive mommy but... This is what I feel is right. I just can't justify sacrificing experiencing her very first year of life to go to school. I know that my going back would technically be for both our future benefit, but the fact of the matter is that I'm going to be in school for at least two years regardless. (And why not enjoy being unemployed and staying at home with her while I am able?) I may not even have to have a job until she is two years-old, allowing me at least a year to focus solely on her and my studies upon my return to school in the Fall of 2012.

Not to mention, my mom and I both shared the same feelings about going back mid-year, at the beginning of the Spring semester. I just think I would feel as though I have a better, more structured, "normal" routine in place by waiting to return until the Fall like (most) typical college students.

Don't get me wrong; I was excited about going back, having somewhere I know I need to be and working ahead to achieve my dreams for my daughter and me. But the sense of urgency to do so really seems trivial now that I realize how important these first months will be and how quickly they will go by. Plus, my brother is twenty-seven and still hasn't graduated (although when he does, it will be with two different bachelor's degrees, both with minors from UTC).

I will return to college; not returning is not an option. Waiting to return, however, is an option in my case and I can't wait to have the full-on "mommy" experience.

Finding the Right Pediatrician

This is now my main issue...

My mom, Nana and I are going to take care of the things on my list from my previous blog entry (for the most part) tomorrow after my appointment. The first thing on the list has proven to be the most difficult, as I had expected it would be.

I'm not sure if my family understands how imperative it is to me that I find the right pediatrician for Keeli. I obviously have to first narrow down my options to those who take her insurance, then again to those who will offer (if any of them) a delayed vaccination schedule. My mom understands this somewhat but my Dad, on the other hand, replied "I thought you already interviewed a pediatrician? It can't be that hard; just pick one from the list." God, what a freaking "man" thing to say.

Moving on...


I am not comfortable allowing her to be pumped full of vaccines for numerous (and I do mean NUMEROUS) illnesses when most of them are administered for preventative measures anyway or are simply administered to the masses when maybe only a few babies really stand to benefit. Have they really been requiring babies to have these long enough to attain adequate research on their long-term effects, especially when noting that sometimes different vaccines are coupled, even quadrupled, together into one dose? I don't think so, and I am going to need to find a pediatrician who respects the fact that I feel the need to do my own research before allowing Keeli to have these foreign chemicals introduced into her tiny, brand new system.

I have been told that most practices will not accept babies who aren't vaccinated on schedule, and even that DHS/CPS will be called if I choose not to vaccinate her accordingly.
Without going any further on this from a political standpoint, I will simply quote something a friend of mine just said to me: "The government has taken it upon themselves to be parents for us and it is so frustrating."

The pediatrician I first had a consultation with basically made me feel as though I wasn't "qualified enough" to make decisions as to when or if she receives these vaccinations.

That may be the case for some women but the other part of me says that as a well-read, intelligent, research-seeking woman who also happens to be her mother... I am.

Last Minute "Gotta-Do-RIGHT-NOWs"

I logged into my BabyFit account today to enter in the last few things I had eaten and my exercises for the day before heading downstairs to unwind for the night. I went to my home page, where I typically watch the counter for my "due date". It read, "Only 19 more days to go!" I knew "the time" was drawing nearer and nearer, but it didn't hit me until today... and I feel like I still have SO MUCH to do.

This may seem a little obsessive, but I don't care. I am writing this blog entry to physically map-out my plan for the rest of this week so that I (hopefully) will get these things done. By Sunday, I will have somewhere around 13 days left until Keeli's arrival. Here's what I have left to do so far (and I could technically do it all in one day if I so chose, but that's highly unlikely):

• Call the remaining pediatricians on my list and .pdf directory to set up additional consultations, since I obviously had far different views from the first one I interviewed.
• Set up an appointment for proper infant seat installation inspection at BabiesRUs. (I used to work there!)
• Call the child care centers on my list around Ooltewah to set up interviews/pay retainer deposit for when I return to school in January (though I am considering staying at home with her the entire first year) Forget this part entirely, as I am going to stay home with her until next fall when she will be a year old.
• After phone calls, I need to pick up the two parcels I have waiting on me at the Post Office. This will get done first, more than likely, even if it doesn't make sense route-wise to do so; it's a big shipment of more cloth diapers!!! :)
  
• Buy the items on the list I made (complete with pictures, haha) on the blue laptop. Shop The Dollar Tree first for smaller items, then Target (with $50 gift card), then Wal-Mart if absolutely necessary.
  
• Force Dad to let me have a clothesline so that I can buy that, have it installed, and feel "ready" for diaper duty. He keeps dodging me on this.
• Fill-out, address, apply postage to and mail my Thank You cards for those who attended my baby shower/sent gifts in the mail. There are tons of them. I keep putting it off but if I don't do them before she gets here, I know I will never get them done.
• Add new items from shopping to hospital bags for when it's "time".
• Condense number of hospital bags if I can. Right now there are a total of 7 in various sizes, and I also have to take my birthing ball and pillows. The only problem I can foresee with downsizing is that everything I'm packing, I will probably need. DOWNSIZED, but still have all the essentials.
  
• Wash pocket diapers. I am trying to wait on all of them to arrive first so that I can do one big wash, but who knows when they'll all be here. I am currently waiting on twenty more, fifteen of which I believe are in the shipment mentioned above that I will be picking up tomorrow.
  
• Finish sewing newborn AIO's and a few more newborn fitteds.

Now that I'm seeing all of this in writing, I think it makes it seem a little more manageable. It at least gives me something to refer to.

Nevermind; it seems like a lot still. Jeez. I better get in bed so I can wake up before 10am tomorrow. =)

36 Weeks & 3 Day Ultrasound

It's kind of sad, because I know this will be the last ultrasound I'll see of her (and possibly the last ultrasound I'll ever have). Today is July 1st, and in around thirty days, give or take a few, Keeli will be here in my arms!!!

My appointment was with my OB's nurse practitioner. She was thrown for a little bit of a loop, I believe, when I told her I'd rather she didn't "check" me. She asked three different times throughout the rest of my appointment "Why not?", and I just shrugged her off every time. "Oh, there are various reasons...", and the like. She also wanted to tell me how things are going to go for the rest of my pregnancy and once I come to the hospital, and I just politely nodded, while thinking to myself, "How will you know? You're not even going to be there!" She also said something along the lines of how it's important for them to check me so they will know when to "expect" me to go into labor, and I declined, once again, and told her my baby will let me know when she's ready. So annoying.

In better news- This baby girl has a TON of hair!!! I have included below a picture of it, and it's pretty obvious if you know what to look for. It is all over her little head, and the US tech said she hadn't seen a baby with that much hair in a while. She is also head down (vertex) and facing my back (anterior). She is preparing for launch! That was the news I went to my appointment today wanting to hear; I was so afraid she had flipped back to breech, even though she has been head down since about my 28th week or so. All those cat and cow stretches and time spent on my birthing ball, I like to think, encouraged her to stay in that position. I get more and more excited every day, and the days turn into weeks so quickly here recently. I can't wait to meet her!