Time Flies.

... When you have a baby.

It has actually seemed that way for quite a while, even before I got pregnant. I feel as though I have been dreaming for years now.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions and not really living them, like I'm just a passive observer of sorts. I wake up, do baby stuff, watch tv and rot my brain, do more baby stuff, do some housework, feed Keeli here and there, and go to bed. Rinse and repeat. I love my life, I really do, but I am not constantly and consistently fulfilled as I thought I would. I miss my friends, and the coming and going as I please thing. I miss being the social butterfly I once was.

It's not that I don't have friends, I do, but I definitely don't have the same ones I used to. I have totally different interests now, for the most part, and the friends I have, I have because I'm a mom and that's what we have in common. I'm in this weird transition period, once again trying to find myself. I'm twenty years-old, and I'm still in the same position I was when I was sixteen. Ha. At some point, I expected things to just mesh and gel together, as though I'd eventually reach a plateau and everything would just be perfect and that would be the end of it. Luckily, (I think "luckily") that hasn't happened yet. I do enjoy the little things: my daughter's smile, knowing that she needs me, knowing that she is going to love me even when she's fifteen and I'm the last person she wants to be around (if she's anything like I was). I just feel like I need something more...

It's another reason I'm glad that I'm returning to school sooner than expected; I will finally be working towards something productive. It isn't to say that I'm wasting time staying at home necessarily, but I need to get my career on the move once again. I can't wait to be DONE with school and set my current house floor plans into motion. I want to get out from under my parents', because I've got that whole "independence" thing going on.

I'm not in a slump... I'm just ready to get going, I suppose. I can't believe Keeli is already almost three months-old; I can remember thinking I was going to be pregnant forever!

Every year has gone by much more quickly than the last. It's something I was talking about to my long-time guy friend, Nick. He doesn't even have children, but he brought up the fact that time is just getting away from him somehow. It's so true. I'm going to be twenty-one years old and there are times when I still feel like I'm so young... Not maturity-wise, but it's just one of those things.

This is a boring post, I know, but it's six in the morning and no one is awake. It's my blog, after all...

Ya know what? EFF this.

It's a good "eff this", this time. I swear.
Okay, check this out:

So I've been fretting about school and "What am I gonna do?" and all "Woe is me" and rada rada. You may not even interpret this the same way I do, but this is my perception of the following information...

"Ashley, either you go back to school in January or you will have no health insurance."

"But, I don't want to put Keeli in day care. That's why I wasn't going to go back until next Fall."

"You can take night classes; we'll watch her in the evenings."

BAM. There it is.

I have secretly, or not-so-secretly, been dying to go back to school already, because that horrible sense of urgency and running out of time has emerged yet again. I just kind of feel like a loser sitting here at home every day, not necessarily wasting time, but I find most often that I'm bored. I'm always preaching to people, "Whatever you do, don't be bored; this is absolutely the most exciting time we could have possibly hoped to be alive. And things are just starting."
I just recently returned from Polk and, during my visit, learned that a girl two years younger than I is basically on her way to greatness. I feel like I should already be a practicing MD somewhere by now (although I know that's entirely unrealistic even for women my age who don't have children).

Don't get me wrong- I enjoy my time here with Keeli and I dread the day I have to go to school and leave her here with my mom. I really do. I really don't even want to think about it. But, this will be worth it. This is for the both of us. I will not waste my talents or miss an opportunity to make a great life for us.
I have something to really look forward to now, and it's a productive "something". It's "I'm working towards a secure future for my daughter and myself, and to teach her that nothing is impossible". So, Keeli, if you ever get knocked-up out of wedlock, your life is SO NOT OVER. Haha. That was really informal. This whole thing is.

Oh yeah...

We went to Hobby Lobby today and I stocked up on acrylic paints and canvas. And I'm tired of being sad, so eff it. 'Nuff said.

This hole you put me in
Wasn't deep enough
And I'm climbing out right now